An Emotional Adjustment

It's been a long and emotionally draining month since I've last updated. And honestly, it feels a lot longer. Adjusting to having Katie away at college has been more difficult than I would have thought - and not in the ways I was expecting. Getting used to her being gone actually happened within the first couple of weeks. The more difficult part for me has been helping her through the normal ups and downs of her adjustment while being so far away. Let me start by saying that Katie is doing amazingly well. She is happy at the college she chose, she has made lots of friends, has joined a few organizations and has jumped into them with both feet. No surprise there! She has handled all the little "problems" that have crept up with maturity, grace and a sense of responsibility. I couldn't be prouder.

So why has it been so emotionally draining? Because I can't stop worrying and obsessing about all those little "problems" that creep up. When she calls to talk to me about them (for which I am eternally grateful. And Katie, if you are reading this, please do not think I don't want you to continue to share your ups and downs with me), I then worry about whatever it is that is going on. It is so hard not to see her every day so that I can gauge by her demeanor, attitude, or by simply asking her how it's going. And, of course, the next time we talk/text everything has worked out and the problem is long over. But, I've still been thinking about it. To be fair, I figured this out fairly quickly and it's not so much of a problem now but it has contributed to this feeling of being completely drained and overwhelmed.

It didn't help that during one of the most trying times, Geoff was away on business for TWO WEEKS - in Europe. So while we did talk on the phone a few times, I couldn't really get into the whole emotional mess during a transatlantic phone call. Those were a difficult two weeks.

Thankfully, I am beginning to feel a whole lot better. I think I have a handle on all of this and as Katie moves forward in her first semester at college, there are fewer and fewer adjustments to be made. And she truly is handling everything so well, that I really don't have anything to worry about. It just took a little while to get to this point. What I've learned from all of this is that it's not only the students who have to adjust to college life. Parents do, too. And in ways I wasn't expecting.

Family Weekend

This past weekend was Family Weekend at Katie's college. It was so great to see her again so soon! We are really lucky that we are able to ease into this new chapter in our family's journey. We ended up spending the weekend mainly just relaxing with Katie and we didn't participate in any of the activities scheduled by the school. We didn't really plan it that way, but it was clear that Katie really just wanted to relax with us. The first thing she asked us when we called her from the hotel was did our room have two beds. She really just wanted to sleep in a comfortable bed and shower in a "big" shower. It was nice to have her "under our roof" for two nights and I could tell she was enjoying the "comforts of home". As great as it was to see Katie, I still felt a little unsettled since Madeleine decided to stay behind and spend the weekend with my Dad and Sandy. I wasn't expecting to feel that way. But I think subconsciously I must have been looking forward to Family Weekend as a time to put our family back together. Just another emotional response I wasn't expecting regarding this whole college experience. In any case, it was nice to focus our attention solely on Katie and we did have a nice weekend.

Geoff and I stumbled upon a very cool diner Friday night on our way to Katie's school. And we ended up back there for lunch on Saturday with Katie. Geoff was beside himself with joy! He has yet to meet a diner he doesn't like!

We also took Katie shopping at a nearby outlet mall. Unlike the diner, this was not all that joyful for Geoff. But he was a good sport and indulged us.

Saturday night we met up with some friends of ours who coincidentally also have a freshman at Katie's school. It was great catching up with them and being able to introduce Katie to their son. He is a very friendly guy and it's nice for each of them to have another friendly face on campus.

On Sunday, Geoff's parents drove up and we spent the morning showing them around campus and the town and getting brunch in the student union. By early afternoon, we all said goodbye amidst a few moist eyes and lots of long hugs. As great as it is to see each other, saying goodbye each time makes it a little bittersweet. As of right now Katie is talking about coming home in a couple of weekends. We'll see if that all pans out. In the meantime, I have my fingers crossed.

Sorry I have no pictures to share. The weekend was just so relaxed and casual, I didn't want to upset the "normal family time" by constantly taking and posing for pictures.

College Move in Day - Stooges' Style

Well, I survived Katie's move to college. And I even did it dry-eyed! Can I have a Woot Woot?

It all went fairly smoothly, though in typical Grove fashion we couldn't have gotten through this big event without some blunders. It all started with loading up the car. We assumed we would be able to fit the entire inventory of Bed, Bath and Beyond's college dorm stock all of Katie's dorm essentials into her mid-sized SUV. And if not, we had our ace in the hole - a roof top carrier to hold the overflow.

We quickly filled up the back of the SUV and pulled out the trusty carrier. Geoff worked up quite a sweat getting the carrier on the roof and loaded up with back-breakingly heavy suitcases and bags of fluffy bedding. And then we realized that the "rain gutters" on the inside of the doors are not designed in such a way as to secure the carrier's clips. Of course not! (Blunder #1!)

So we emptied and removed the carrier and placed the groaning suitcases into my car. Yup! It took two cars to move one daughter to college. Of course it did!

Geoff and I drove my car and Katie and Madeleine followed behind. This configuration was, without a doubt, the best choice for Katie. Much less stressful to ride with her sister as opposed to one of her parents who would no doubt ask lots of stupid questions about her feelings about moving away from home. I was smart enough to know that. However, this might not have been the best choice for me. Geoff and I started out the ride talking about our disbelief that we were driving our daughter to college. And then I started thinking about driving her home from the hospital, her first day of kindergarten, the time she painted her body with blue fingerpaint.... and then I felt myself getting all emotional. So, Geoff and I decided to talk about what we normally talk about on car rides. His annoying choice of music, the fact that he didn't take the route that MapQuest suggested, how much I hate car rides.... You get the picture. (Blunder #2.)

The rest of Thursday was fairly uneventful. We arrived just before dinner, checked into our hotel and drove into the next town to do a little exploring of the area and eat. Not a blunder in sight!

Back at the hotel the plan was to take care of setting Katie up with online banking and opening the college sponsored debit account that she has to have for laundry and can use for pretty much anything else she will need around campus and in the town. (College today is basically a cashless endeavor. All the better to get you to spend more. It's all so abstract. Kind of like play money or gambling chips.) You may be wondering why we waited until the last possible minute to do this. Good question. I tried to sit Katie down a number times this summer to do these tasks. To no avail. I finally realized that she would be a captive audience Thursday night in the hotel and I would just quit stressing about this and do it then. What I didn't take into account is that the hotel would have an unsecured WiFi network which is probably not the best time to access your bank account and type in your password and identifying information. So much for eliminating stress. Katie was pretty stressed, but I assured her we would get it all done the next day on a secure network at the college. (Blunder #3.)

After everyone, except Katie (go figure!), spent a sleepless night, we got up super early so that we could be the first of Katie's roommates to arrive at the college. As you may know, Katie was assigned to a "built-up triple", which is basically a room designed for two in which they squeeze three. Three girls, two closets. You do the math. Also, the room would be equipped with a bunk bed and a loftable bed. Katie was determined to secure the loft bed. Even after I talked to her numerous times about the fact that she has never been on the top bunk of any bed, she is afraid of heights, has the upper body strength of a kitten (to quote Eva Longoria's character in Desperate Housewives), and it would not be convenient to just sit and hang out on her bed with her iPod or laptop - something she does constantly at home. No matter. She was convinced that she simply must have the loftable bed and we had to arrive at the college a minimum of 1 hour before the dorms opened at 9:00 am to secure her spot in line.

We arrive at the college at 7:30 am and approach our designated unloading area. Cops and college student helpers are everywhere. We are too early to park in the lot (really? what a surprise), so we were directed to line up behind a row of about 8 other cars (glad to know we are not the only other Type A families here). Since we are an hour and half early, I suggest to Katie that she and I go up to her dorm and see if we can find the exact location for Check in. You know, to insure that in the off chance one of her roommates is in one the 7 cars in front of us, that we will have the advantage of knowing exactly where to go. Because, we simply must get that loftable bed. Type A, who me? (Blunder #4.)

After our reconnaissance of the dorm perimeter stroll around the dorm, we head back to the line of cars. What the heck? Is that Geoff driving my car down the street? What!? Is that Madeleine following him in Katie's car?! What the F***!!! Madeleine is only 15 years old and does not even have a learner's permit, let alone a driver's license. OMG! She is driving past a line of cops! Holy sh**! I run up to the car and scream like a possessed woman calmly tell her to scoot over so that I can drive. She does, but forgets to put the car in park and the car slowly rolls forward right in front of the line of cops! Heaven help me. After frantically wresting control of the car away from Madeleine calmly parking in a new line of cars (now we are number 3! what are the odds that one of the other two cars holds her roommate? The car right of front us does have MA plates, though. Could it be Kerry from Needham?), I ask Madeleine what the hell was going on. Apparently, the cops told Geoff to move to a different area designated specifically for Katie's dorm. Since Katie and I (the only other legal drivers) were on our recon mission, he simply told Madeleine to move the car. Why not, right? He's let her drive our car around the block a time or two. By now I'm about to have a coronary, so I decide to do some deep breathing while Madeleine tries to convince me, in Rain Man-like fashion, that she is an excellent driver. Oh for Pete's sake, did anyone pack any Valium in one of these overstuffed cars? It's impossible to be sad, when you're one of the Three Stooges!

Figuring that we will be sitting in the car for at least another hour I turn the car off. Makes perfect sense right? Wrong! (Blunder #5.) I don't drive Katie's car very often, but I am aware that the ignition key can be a little touchy. Sometimes you have to wiggle it just right in order to turn it - which is necessary to turn the car on! Minor detail. Geoff had been struggling with it a little bit on this trip. Katie told him all the tricks - take the key out and turn it around, wiggle the gear shift, put your foot on the brake, wiggle the steering wheel. One of these tricks always worked - for Katie and Geoff. You see where this is going, right? At 10 minutes to 8, the cops wave us on. Geoff is in front of me, in my car. He moves right along. And guess who can't get the car started? At all. Ever. The cop comes over and I tell him, in the midst of my panic attack, what's happening and he lets the cars behind me go ahead of me. Nooooo!!!! We need to get the loftable bed!!!! WAIT!!! I send Madeleine after Geoff and tell her to get him to come back - after Katie gets in line to check in. Eventually, Geoff comes and rescues me and we move into the room - and Katie is the first (and only one) there and she gets the loftable bed! (Blunder #6.)

Why is getting the loftable bed a Blunder? About an hour after the first of Katie's roommates arrives and chooses the lower bunk, Katie decides that she doesn't, in fact, think having the loftable bed is a good idea. Really? No kidding? Where the h*ll is that Valium? Do they sell alcohol in the Dining Hall? Probably not. No problem. Just hit me over the head with that hammer that we packed.

In all seriousness, Katie was in good spirits when we left her. No one cried. The one roommate that we had an opportunity to spend some time with, Lindsay, is very nice and easy to talk to and seemed very comfortable to be there (she only lives 20 minutes away and that probably helps). We left the two of them in the room chatting it up and getting ready for their first hall meeting.

Two text messages one extremely brief phone call and a few Facebook statuses later, all seems to be going quite well. Though, I'm still waiting to hear if Katie slept on the floor last night!

Letting Go

Tonight feels very surreal and unsettling to me. It's the last night that our family will live in this house as a family full-time. Tomorrow we take Katie to college. Of course, she'll come back for holidays and summer vacation and possibly even some long weekends, but never again will the four of us live together in the same way that we have for the last 18 years. I have such a mix of emotions running through my heart and mind, that I can't really pin any one down. I'm so proud of her, I'm excited for her to begin this new journey, I'm worried about how she'll adjust, I'm sad that I won't be with her every day, I'm regretting all the things I've screwed up as her mom, moments of her childhood are flashing through my brain, I'm trying to focus on all the last minute things we need to do before we leave tomorrow. I'm overwhelmed and emotionally wrung out.

Right now Katie has four friends over and they are eating pizza and laughing and having a great time. And tomorrow that will all be over. All that comfort and familiarity will be gone and she will have to find her way all over again. It's sad and a little scary. I just want her to be happy. And I worry about her. It's going to be so weird to drop her off in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people and just leave. How can my job as her 24/7 parent be over? I want to continue to protect her and guide her and help her weather life's ups and downs. I'm not ready to let her go. But I have to. And it hurts.

Thankful Thursday

Oh, Happy Day!

After a fall that was fraught with anxiety and stress, my daughter Katie heard yesterday that she has been accepted to her first choice college! She is still waiting to hear from two other colleges and she is still struggling with uncertainty and anxiety about her plans for next year, but having that acceptance letter does relieve at least some of the stress. I don't think the college crazies are over for us yet, but there is a palpable sense of relief in our household. And for that I am grateful.

The Application is in the Mail

After 17 months of researching, planning and visiting colleges (and a whole lot of drama) Katie has submitted her application to two schools!!! And I couldn't be more proud of her. While this may seem like a fairly normal event for a HS senior, this topic has been one full of stress and worry for Katie and for us. Without getting into too much detail, the past two months have been very difficult for our family. This process has been fraught with serious anxiety for Katie. But, for the most part, it's over! She finally found one school that she absolutely loves and she has applied Early Action. This means that she should hear something by December. Hallelujah! And she also applied to one other school as a back up and has one more in the works (that one does not accept the Common Application. ARRGH!) She is still considering some other options, but she really has her heart set on this one school and it's a good match for her academically. I would be very surprised if she didn't get in. (Of course, stranger things have happened). So, keep your fingers crossed for her. Life will be so much nicer once this whole decision is made.

OK, that's the "thankful" part. Can I just take a minute to vent? Thanks.

Part of what makes this whole process so stressful is all the extraneous paperwork that has to be done. It's not just an application and an essay. There are forms to fill out for the guidance counselor, transcript request forms, SATs to send and also teacher recommendations to get. Katie's school has a fairly complicated form that needs to be handed into guidance and most teachers accept this form to help them fill out teacher recommendations. One of the teachers that Katie requested a recommendation from does not accept the school form, but has her own form and a whole list of very specific instructions that she requires. Why??? Whatever. Katie jumped through her hoops and filled it all out. This teacher requires 3 weeks notice for submitting her recommendation. (All others require 2 weeks). OK, whatever.... Katie turned in all her paperwork 5 WEEKS ahead of the deadline (November 15). For the schools that use the Common Application, students can "invite" the teachers to send the recommendation online. Katie did that in early October and turned in all her paperwork to the teacher directly. A week or so ago, the teacher still had not submitted the recommendation. So Katie "re-invited" her. This annoyed the teacher. Do you think that this teacher managed to submit the recommendation before the November 15th deadline? Nope! Am I annoyed, angry and frustrated by this? Yes! Have I lost all respect for this teacher? You betcha! The real kicker? There is absolutely nothing Katie or I can do about it. Talk about stressful....