Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Letting Go

Tonight feels very surreal and unsettling to me. It's the last night that our family will live in this house as a family full-time. Tomorrow we take Katie to college. Of course, she'll come back for holidays and summer vacation and possibly even some long weekends, but never again will the four of us live together in the same way that we have for the last 18 years. I have such a mix of emotions running through my heart and mind, that I can't really pin any one down. I'm so proud of her, I'm excited for her to begin this new journey, I'm worried about how she'll adjust, I'm sad that I won't be with her every day, I'm regretting all the things I've screwed up as her mom, moments of her childhood are flashing through my brain, I'm trying to focus on all the last minute things we need to do before we leave tomorrow. I'm overwhelmed and emotionally wrung out.

Right now Katie has four friends over and they are eating pizza and laughing and having a great time. And tomorrow that will all be over. All that comfort and familiarity will be gone and she will have to find her way all over again. It's sad and a little scary. I just want her to be happy. And I worry about her. It's going to be so weird to drop her off in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people and just leave. How can my job as her 24/7 parent be over? I want to continue to protect her and guide her and help her weather life's ups and downs. I'm not ready to let her go. But I have to. And it hurts.


Janie B said...

I know how hard that is, so I feel your pain. But, they never really leave you, so don't despair. She will just become one of your best friends.

Gail said...

I can only imagine how you are feeling...I'll be calling you in 4 yrs to find out how you did it! Good luck to Katie and I'll have you all in our thoughts this week.

Sue Jackson said...

Oh, Pam, you expressed your mixed feelings so well! Jamie's still with us for another two years, but I've already thought about all of the things you mention here.


Sandy said...

Gee thanks, tears are running down my face, too, now. I will miss the regular visits and stayovers that we have been having with Katie for these last several months. The next time she stays, who knows when that will be, she will be home from college. Can't really wrap my head around that.

P.S. You are a wonderful mother. You always do the right thing with Katie and Madeleine. But I can see it's a hard job and I can understand second-guessing yourself.


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